I really can't think of a logical way to write this blog. The past three weeks have been such an emotional roller-coaster and sorting through those feelings and memories is kind of difficult. I really don't even know where to begin... So, I'm just going to write this blog for catharsis. I apologize for the unorganized structure.
When my grandfather passed on April 26th, my family and relatives were constantly together. We all spent the night at my grandparents house to... just be together and show support to one another. Every night until my grandfather's burial, there was a vigil and lots of Filipino food to go around. All the coming and going certainly helped give my grandmother, my mom, and aunts a distraction until the viewing/burial.
I was in charge of putting together our family's own video montage of my grandfather.
I had fun putting the video together, but it was also a very emotional little project. I watched the video over and over for editing purposes that, at times, I almost felt emotionally detached. I actually started to feel guilty. The last thing I wanted to be was a robot or emotionless when we buried my grandfather.
I took three days off for bereavement, so I could be with my family during the Viewing (or Wake). There was an overwhelming feeling of "togetherness" and family at Glenn Abbey Memorial. Seeing my Grandfather in the casket was... just unreal. As a Christian, we know that the body laying in the casket was no longer my grandfather... Just a shell... We believe that he's somewhere in Heaven having a grand ol' time and eating whatever he wants... It was incredibly emotional nonetheless. Seeing my grandmother lean over the casket, stroking my grandfather's hair, crying, and saying goodbye was the most heart-wrenching moment of my life. Thinking about my family and relatives in tears just makes... I don't know... It just breaks my heart and I want to break down and cry.
The first day of the Viewing, I was really afraid to approach the casket to see my grandfather. It took me about an hour to muster up the courage to see him. When I finally did, I really didn't know what to think. I was just numb. "This is my grandfather... Wake up, grandpa!" I didn't cry... Until I walked to the back of the mortuary to be with my family and maybe get something to eat. My mom asked me, "Did you see your grandpa?" and.. that's when I grabbed my little sister and broke down...
On the last day of the Viewing before my mom closed the casket, we got to share a story about my Grandfather. I think of myself as a decent speaker and didn't think that I would choke. The first words out of my mouth were, "I want to tell you a st..." and I broke down again. My grandfather was behind me and family in front... Almost everyone that went up to speak had to pause to gather their emotions.
The day of the burial, my cousins and I were the Pallbearers to bring my grandfather's casket into the church. We had a wonderful service and headed to Glenn Abbey for the burial. Along the way, we had three police escorts to make sure our funeral procession arrived at the same time.
My grandfather had a military ceremony done by the U.S. Navy. At this point, I really thought I was "cried-out." 4 days of crying felt like enough... I couldn't possibly cry anymore than I have been. At least until the Navy performed their 3-volley salute. The gun shots hit me square in the chest (not literally) and when they played Taps... I had mixed emotions of pride and sadness. My grandfather was such a great man. A man full of integrity, humbleness, and love for his family.
We said our final good-bye's as he was lowered into the ground.
Our family has a tough time ahead... I'm trying to spend a lot more time with them. I am worried about my grandma... I know she's trying to keep herself busy by cooking and cleaning, but sometimes... I catch her with her hand to her face...
The loneliness must be so overwhelming.
My motivation with school and work have taken such a big hit.. And there are also other things going on in my own personal life.
Emotionally, I've been calling the past 3-weeks a "spectrum of overwhelming emotion" and a real "roller-coaster of emotion." From sadness, depression, happiness, and pride to anger, frustration, loneliness, and hope. It's just a lot...
Look to God. Pray for comfort, strength, and wisdom. That's what I'm hoping for... My family is there as well...
Anyway, that's all... We love you Grandpa..